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Minnesota game balls:
The refs. Without their massive cheating we win. Devalve purposefully drilled after 5 yards on 3rd down no call followed by fake PI on us in the end zone to give them a TD.
Multiple no calls on literal tackles by Minnesota OL.
Multiple no calls on obvious PI by Minnesota.
Browns game balls:
Hue. Best playcalling of the year.
Gregg Williams. Don’t care that they’ll probably get another 2 TDs with 9 minute left. Refs will cheat to do it again.
Goats:
Refs – see Minnesota game balls.
Sashi Brown – picking a kicker in the draft followed by keeping said loser on the roster missing kicks all year.
Kicker – you suck and I refuse to say your name
Freedom!!!
Browns actually played well today. Hosed on multiple calls.
Viking had one drive where they were given 3 first downs and 57 yards in penalties.
Hue Jackson is a loser.
Gameballs:
London. The fans who came pretended to care slightly better than what I expected.
Browns equipment manager. I saw barely any loss of orange paint on their helmets today, excellent work.
The sideline down-marker carrier. His real name is Lawrence Bert. What many of you don’t realize is that this young man was thrust into action at the last minute, under adverse conditions and performed admirably. The original marker holder was diagnosed with a wicked case of gonorrhea from a traveling Vikings groupie who arrived in London earlier in the week to take in the sights of ye old England and spread her whorish wares around. Not finding any players, she bumped into this poor bastard in a pub just east of the Thames River who was just coming fresh off a breakup in which his girlfriend of 5 years dumped him for the waiter of the restaurant that he proposed to her in. It was brutal, and he was looking for an international rando to help shake off the stench of betrayal and give himself a fresh start. Having no luck with the local women on account of his asking for Bud Light on tap in all the pubs he was frequenting, he was pleasantly surprised to run into an equally depressed-about-life American girl. They banged, and they banged hard. But due to the metric system he wasn’t able to acquire a proper fitting condom, and so he threw caution to the wind and barebacked his way into a scathing STD. (Fuckin’ Minnesota, he should’ve known better). Anyway, being far from home and not trusting British medicine, he decided to inform the NFL that he would not be able to continue his duties as game-day down-marker carrier due to illness and would be returning to the states that morning.
That’s when Lawrence fucking Bert got the call of a lifetime. “Little Larry” or “Dirty Bertie”, as he was known by the bullies that mocked and ridiculed him back home in the small town of Oshkosh Wisconsin, was in London on a last ditch effort to make it on an NFL sideline crew. He was currently on the B-squad, and as a member of the B-squad was the one charge of booking hotel rooms, making sure the A-team had proper dining arrangements and setting up video conferencing to make sure all proper protocols and procedures were being upheld while overseas. He’d settled on the job after the shutdown of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey circus crushed his dream of live performing, figuring that at least the crowds would be bigger and while sideline down-marker carrier was not his dream, he could still be led by a clown, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
The call came suddenly at 8pm London time the night before the game as he was weeping openly in a space where the homeless gathered just outside of Buckingham palace. Bob Fryar had left for an undisclosed illness and they needed Lawrence to don the vest and step up to the A-squad. Abandoning the crowd that had gathered to listen to his suicide speech, Lawrence fucking Bert sprinted to Twinkenham stadium to begin preparations for the morrows duties. He worked through the night, feverishly sweating out the dry gin and Thai stick the bridge people had pumped him full of in a sendoff to the afterlife, and instead focused on his rebirth as an NFL sideline down-marker carrier. He envisioned flipping the sign sequentially, from 1st to 4th, and then resetting, sometimes anticipating turnovers and having to go from 2 to 1, and 3 to 1. His preparation would become legendary, mostly because he wasn’t allowed to be in the stadium and he was fucking up the turf because he was high on gin and thai stick still, but the league had no choice really so they just left him be, hooping that he would be sober by morning. And sober he was. Lawrence Bert, a lost man from Oshkosh Wisconsin, on the brink of death across the pond, turned in a flawless performance on the sidelines today. All culminating with a moment when head official Jeff Triplett momentarily lost track of the down in the game, and glanced over at Larry. It was almost slow-motion as he gently twisted the sign, clearly displaying “4” to give him the best angle and motioning upwards with his index finger so as to let Triplett know what was up. With a nod and a wink, Triplett let him know he had saved the moment, and made the Browns fucking punt one more time.
Lawrence, “Big Larry” as he’s now known, gets a motherfucking game ball from me. I think he deserves one from all of you as well.
Goats. Myles Garret, for refusing to fly across the planet with a concussion. Fuck him, at least show up and support your team, I’m done with this guy now.
For almost 3 quarters of football we saw a glimpse of what this team could be. Our group of underdogs played their absolute hearts out, at the top of their ability. The only reason the vikings were in this game at halftime was a muffed return and a costly Crow fumble, both deep in our side of the field. Take those two plays away and not only are we leading at halftime but we might be completely demoralizing a really good Vikings team.
Game Balls:
The entire defense – Yeah it fell apart in the 4th, they can’t play amazing forever especially when being put in terrible situations by our offense and special teams. A very well called and well executed game.Drango – He was supposed to be a huge liability but he held his own against one of the best pass rushers in the league. He’s no Joe Thomas, but he’s no Cam Erving either.
Duke Johnson – Thankfully he doesn’t have a concussion. He’s the only playmaker on our offense. Their game plan centered around shutting him down and they couldn’t.
Hue Jackson – He won a replay review. He made an offensive gameplan that minimized the effect of a rookie QB and receivers that can’t catch. He benched Kenny Britt. And he still somehow manages to get these 53 guys to believe they can win every game and play hard.
Goats:
Kenny Britt – His best game of the year IMO. Love how he totally badmouthed London days before this game. I’m sure the rest of the team is thanking him for the distraction.
Refs – They had money on the over. Biggest bunch of BS calls and BS non-calls.
“Legatron” – Nope. He’ll be replaced by the time we play our next game.
Ricardo Louis – Again, hit right in the numbers and dropped it. 6 targets, 2 catches. That’s not good enough.
Ice I can’t begin to explain to you how upset I am that you made your post literally 30 seconds after mine.
It didn’t even have 1 minute to resonate. Talk about stealing thunder bro, goddamn.
Sashi Brown gets a 2nd goat today. While I would’ve taken Hooker at 12, I don’t get paid to make this decisions.
Deshaun Watson is the first player in NFL history to throw for 400 yards, 4 TDs and rush for 50 yards in a single game. Not rookie, but PLAYER.
Houston D blew it. Watson had them up 38-34 under two minutes to go. Seattle scored with 21 seconds left.
Anyway, passing on Watson is unforgivable. We better get a real football guy with final roster say over the bye week.
Freedom!!!
Ice I can’t begin to explain to you how upset I am that you made your post literally 30 seconds after mine.
It didn’t even have 1 minute to resonate. Talk about stealing thunder bro, goddamn.I’m currently in chapter 1 of your post. I should be finished reading that thing by Christmas.
I’m currently in chapter 1 of your post. I should be finished reading that thing by Christmas.
It’s an All American tale of loss and redemption.
It’s an All American tale of loss and redemption.
It was quite the epic ballad. But, due to the fact that he let Zane fucking Gonzalez run right past him with nary a comment for missing that extra point (nevermind the field goal), he gets no gameball from me. However, he didn’t do anything to earn a goat either. Still, if he keeps at it, cuts back to getting fucked up only on Tuesdays and Fridays, eats a well-balanced, gene-altering diet that keeps him from getting migraines, and gets in plenty of practice “accidentally” skewering the kicking feet of shitty kickers with the base of the down marker, the kid has a shot at a long career. But one game just isn’t cutting it…if he wants to be known as Big Larry, he’d better show he’s committed.
Gameballs: Nobody mentioned Matthew Dayes. Did fantastic in the preseason, and seems to be a hell of a playmaker. Why he isn’t getting touches is beyond me.
Spencer Drango did a hell of a job at left tackle, did JT proud, and gets bonus points for such a cool name. Hopefully this isn’t a fluke game for him…but he looked like he belonged there.
Goats: Whoever the fuck named Gonzalez “Legatron” needs to be kicked square in the balls. Aguayo would be an (admittedly small) upgrade. This needs fixed. And the people responsible really do need their nuts kicked.
The wide receivers…out of 12 targets, caught 6 balls for a whopping 81 yards. That’s high school numbers, and only then when you have a kickass running back and/or mobile QB. Isn’t any wonder that Kizer hasn’t been as good as he could be, because if bad passes weren’t enough, these guys are making sure his confidence is staying in the toilet. I get that two of these guys weren’t even in training camp, but whenever the ball is catchable, it should be caught. Anything less just isn’t going to work…especially multiple times in the same game.
I’m sure I have other gameballs/goats…but I’m done writing stuff.
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