[Shooter]

Where the fuck is this clown?

Last year we see him at press conferences, we see him in the media, he’s movin’ and he’s a shakin’, just bein’ all suave Mr. Badass executive, lured back from the brink of taking the job in Miami to come back here and kick some ass like we got some sort of steal and were about to go Roman on the NFL.

We nab Johnny in the draft, land this uber stud corner in the 1st round to stand next to Joe Haden and form this killer secondary, grab Hitner and Dansby in Free Agency, rocket out to 6-3 and in 1st place 9 games in, raise some eyebrows by kicking some ass along the way, and……..I dunno, Mack goes down, he starts firing off texts, and before we can blink we’re Biff when Marty slides the skateboard under the car and they plow into the manure truck.

Since then, this guy has disappeared faster than Bruce Jenners junk and holds about the same value. That corner he picked is trying to get high fives on kickoff coverage, Johnny thinks everyday is Halloween and he’s wearing his Broadway Joe talkin-to-Suzy Kolber costume, Ben Tate and Dwayne Bowe are sitting on couches high as fuck counting our idiot Hick owners money (who is also about to get his own “Unsolved Mysteries” special), ran off a promising young coordinator, got rid of a 30-year-old mediocre QB that won games, and replaced him with a 36-year-old mediocre QB that does nothing but lose games, used 2 more 1st round picks on a guy who isn’t even playing and one that has made I think, by my last count, 4 tackles. (And while I’m on him, ya know, we draft a Samoan/Islander/Tribal-tatoo guy, can we at least get one with a kick ass name? Ikeela mathe’faka, Kiko Ai’owndatgie, or Fu’manchu Eatadragon? No. No. He picks the one that sounds like he sells Bibles in Provo Utah. Yes, I’m aware that was racist, but ya know what I’m not fucking wrong here and I’m willing to take any heat for it because it’s fuckin true and I’m not saying that for the purposes of being an asshole, I’m saying it because it’s funny so any arms that are raised right now better get back down to mouse level so you can find that scroll wheel because I’m not fuckin done).

He takes no receivers in the draft, and employs a corps that has a combined height of the crew that protected the Emerald Castle. Then after every obvious because we’re-still-alive-and-can-see-that-coming ass beating, he shoves ‘ol Pettine on down the Yellow Brick road every week to speak on behalf of the entire organization, get peppered with about 10,000 questions that are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay outside his responsibilities and that he shouldn’t be answering, and then disappears like a tiny dick on a fat guy who at 43 just decided to do the “Polar Swim Challenge” in Alaska because “nooooooow” was the time to get out of his Mom’s basement and actually do something with his life and he picked

THAT

. And it would seem that for whatever reason, he has some sort of Sith Lord dark-side-of-the-force control over our owner, because I haven’t seen that stuttering hick since he got fuckin indicted. Now we’re sitting here at 2-6, about to get THROTTLED on national TV on a short week by an undefeated, intrastate, divisional rival, hold our dicks in between our ass cheecks as we walk back to the locker room waddling like severley injured penguins and talk about how beneficial the 10-day break is before we have to play the next game so we can rest up. Paying no attention that we’re going to go into the BYE at 2-9, and will come out of it on National TV once again, against, once again, a divisional rival, and will get our teeth kicked in.

That dude built this model so uhhhhhh, where the fuck is ‘ol Mr. Sculptor? Cause I sure as shit don’t see him anywhere. I don’t see or hear him in the media. I don’t hear him being asked any questions. At best I’m guessing this guy is hunkered down in his office feverishly burning up phone lines to land the next Jamarcus Russel.

This guy is either walking around that building like the cock of the roost and with complete autonomy, or, he’s hiding under his desk somewhere until the media trucks leave and he asks nicely for the secretary at the front desk to walk him to his car.

Either way, we don’t have a leader.

Honestly, I don’t have a problem with Pettine. I’m not all up on the guy like HE’S gonna be “the one”, but at the same time I don’t hate him either. Dude needs a fair shake. Marvin Lewis has been down there in Cincy for…….how long is it? (He was DC in Balt when they won the Superbowl, then got hired the next year, slide rule…..carry the one…..38 years. Shit he’s been there 38 years. That’s crazy. Anyway) and he sucked. For like, a looooong time. Now they kick ass. I’m all for continuity. but this……thing, guy, tie-wearer, whatever ya want to call him, yeah this dude needs to go.

I am Shooter, and I endorse this message.

[Ice]

Is Jabroni a racist term? I honestly don’t know and I don’t want my 2024 presidential campaign hurt when one of my opponents finds this site. “He owns a site where words like Jabroni and Narwhal are thrown around willy nilly.” How can any presidential campaign recover from that?

4 first round picks in 2 seasons; that’s a gift ANY GM would love to receive. It feels like Farmer spent all his time thinking about his late round picks (which are pretty decent) and let Mel Kiper make his picks in the first 3 rounds.

[the dude]

#EpicShooterRant

I agree with everything you said…..but I have to make another point on Pettine.

Didn’t Pettine at halftime say that Hartline had sure hands? That everything they threw his way he caught. Because if that is the case, someone needs to run a brain scan on him because that was about the most pathetic half of football I have ever seen out of a wide receiver. Congrats on the TD – it was a rocket into your bread basket. But the drops afterwards were so pathetic that I would have debated on cutting him.

Hue Jackson is a loser.

[Author]

Posts